June 2nd, 2010

Death of Skinny Jeans (Moment of Silence)

“I don’t wear skinny jeans cuz my knots don’t fit.”-Jay-Z

When it comes to skinny jeans, I don’t even have the opportunity to see whether my knots fit or not.  It’s hard enough getting the stupid things up over my calves.  By the time I get them halfway up my legs, the struggle with the natural laws of physics and men’s fashion proves to be too much, and I collapse weeping in the foetal position, which is always awkward to do in a clothing-store dressing room, especially when a person waiting to try on their clothes checks under the door for feet and sees you curled up on the floor crying.

All this is to say, men should not be wearing skinny jeans.  It is the most shameful and alarming trend ever to affect our gender.  There is a reason skinny jeans exist.  And that reason is girls.  Girls’ legs look good all the way up and skinny jeans highlight this feature.  Skinny jeans also teach girls the value of persistence and the virtues of hard work.  If a girl can get her skinny jeans on in the morning, the rest of the day should be a breeze.

There’s no purpose in men wearing skinny jeans.  If men are desperate to show off their legs, they can wear shorts.  And if they are desperate to show off their thighs, they just need to take a deep breath and calm down.  (Deep breaths, coincidentally, are impossible to take in skinny jeans without bursting the seams.)  Furthermore, even for men who can somehow fit their stork-like legs into the skinnies, everything goes downhill from there.  Men, as a gender, need to be able to take action, to sweep ladies off their feet, and run and catch rugby balls, and wrestle kangaroos to the ground.  None of these things are even feasible in skinny jeans.  The best a man can do is stand around grimacing and trying to look as if he is not in a great deal of pain.  Which he inevitably and indubitably is.  Skinny jeans are not for men and the sooner the more exploratory members of our gender realise this, the better it will be for all of us.

Photo by mobbit

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